I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
