There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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