And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
