I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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