why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
