well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize