Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
