If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize