Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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