My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
