i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
bring money and cleavage
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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