Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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