I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
