I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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