can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize