I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
