I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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