just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
