If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
