I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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