I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
