you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize