i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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