I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
