i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
