Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
