mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
