Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
