if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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