That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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