Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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