K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
