He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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