Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My pussy is not your playground.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize