i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
