My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
