we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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