im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize