Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize