remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
