When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
