When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
