I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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