I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
