Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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