guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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