My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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