My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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