the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize