i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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