I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
