If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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