just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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