"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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