Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
