Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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