I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
