walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
