so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
