apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
