we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
