your parents love me but you hate me
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
