I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
