Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
