Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
