Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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