mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
