It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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