i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
